I have two recurring visions. The first I've had since the beginning of time. This one makes sense since I'm a true pedestrian and I've never had a driver's license. I have the recurring vision of myself walking through a crosswalk and getting run over by the car blowing through the turning lane. Run over is probably not the most accurate way to describe what happens. It's not like a stampede, or the feeling of getting trampled into the ground. It's more like I take one step over the curb and suddenly every part of me is breaking to pieces.
The second I've had for the last two years, since getting married. It isn't always the same. Sometimes, I am reaching for a bottle of shampoo in the shower and my wedding ring slides off, disappearing down the drain. Other times, I am washing dishes at the kitchen sink and my hands get too soapy and I don't even notice my ring is gone until everything has been washed clean. Whatever the vision, my hand always gets caught in the drain. The sink gets smeared with my blood. I tell myself I could never be happy with another ring because it wouldn't be the ring given to me that rainy afternoon when it was too small to fit my finger (since it once belonged to his mother), and instead of waiting for it to get sized, I crammed it over my knuckle until my finger turned purple.
This evening in the grocery store, I was looking for a bottle of red wine. I selected the bottle, and as I was walking back to the cart I remembered the time I had dropped a bottle of wine in the grocery store several months ago, and how I had jumped back because of the glass. I gripped the bottle, refusing to let it slide in my hands, and as I placed it in the shopping cart with the tenderness of one placing a baby in a cradle, the elderly woman behind me somehow lost control of her Merlot and it shattered to pieces on the ground.
Getting older is strange. Some days, I feel overwhelmed by decisions. The longer I live, the more aware I become that I am not really in control of anything. I'm sure this is obvious to the rest of the world, but it's never been obvious to me.
I was in the drugstore the other day, and I became paralyzed by the wall of facial cleansers. I couldn't sort them out. I know I'm supposed to care about anti-aging products these days. I know I'm supposed to use SPF. In the end, my husband found me and kindly pointed to one (most likely at random), and I felt relieved. I didn't have to stand there any longer. I could leave the store and we could finally go to the next thing because the facial cleanser seemed like the right one. I just needed a little push.
